East London Archives of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Guardsman John got sober in 1978 and was a member of the A.A community, especially at the City of London meetings, such as St Vedast’s. Below we have a selected amount of his writings that were published in a variety of A.A publications around the world.

John spoke of his sponsor, Mick ‘the Tick’. 

Mick the Tick my sponsor was so intelligent! He used to go off and walk in the mountains West of Cork for three months because everyone was treating him as a guru. They’d look across in the meeting and he would just sit and refuse to share. 

He said, “Do you know how I came to believe, John? When I came at first, I was a proselytizing atheist and used to have a band of followers who followed me round the meetings. At this meeting (Hendon) we would all sit at one side of the table and the believers would sit at the other side. And then I realised that our side were always whingeing and miserable and their side was happy and smiling. So John, I moved over.”

Nulli Secundus

My name is John, I was a regular soldier who served in a regiment, which engaged in lots of ceremonial duties and parades. It was known as the Brigade of Guards, which consisted of 5 Regiments; Grenadier, Coldstream, Scots, Irish and Welsh Guards. I am now a war pensioner, old age pensioner of the Brigade.

At 17, I chose to join by volunteering for the Coldstream Guards and was sent to the depot known as the ‘The Drill Factory’, next door to a mental institution I might add. I was to experience six months of sheer hell and be subjected to much verbal and physical abuse. I felt I did not belong. However, to survive I had to grow a façade as large as Marks and Spencer’s. In the middle of winter, the windows were open night and day, it seemed worse than the Foreign Legion.

We saluted everything that moved and cleaned everything that stood still. The Guards for me was breeding ground for arrogance and grandiosity, accidents, suicides, shootings, fights, abusive arguments. Underfed, underpaid, over sexed young men were turned into fighting machines ready to kill or be killed. We could troop the Colour, guard the Royal Palaces, Tower of London and fight the Piccadilly Cowboys and fight at Dunkirk, Salerno, Gulf War or the Falklands. Some of us were alkies! However, John Barleycorn could make the immaculate Soldiers of the Queen, once they encountered alcohol, look like Napoleon’s Imperial Army retreating from Moscow. That’s my experience.

I loved free beer. The uniform and style did the trick, plus all one needed was the price of admission and the life-giving golden liquid flowed. I became ‘sleazy’ and was perpetually topped up. My behavior changed when I drank. The Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome took over. It wasn’t long before I was often to experience delirium tremens, known as the DTs, in which I imagined seeing and hearing things that did not exist. The DTs, incidentally, I know now, are only a passing phase of the disease of alcoholism. There is always the possibility of the ‘wet brain; where the imaginary objects remain permanently. I could spend the rest of my days plagued by the hallucinations in a locked mental hospital. Alcoholism – an illness that maims, kills, destroys and disables.

After training I was sent to the Battalion to take part in the pomp and precision ceremony at Windsor and London, when not on duty we had the craving, a thirst never satisfied until locked up in the Barrack Guardroom to await punishment. I was not a social drinker, but dangerously anti-social or Jack the Lad as well. Eventually, the day came to lay aside the red tunic, bearskin cap, glamour, grandiose ceremonial life and do some active service overseas and fight for King and Country. No more fights in Piccadilly, farewell Leicester Square and out of bounds pubs we frequented in Victoria or the ‘Dilly’.

The shores of Tripoli, Palestine, Egypt, Malaya, Aden, Kenya and Cyprus were some of the active service stations. Dealing with terrorism is not a game. We drank chemical beer, spirits that turned water milky and blew your head off. The alcohol didn’t necessarily help the stress I felt, later to become known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, manifesting itself in chronic alcoholism, or vice versa. The progression made me into an anarchist powerless over booze.

Sectioned under a section of the Mental Health Act and now psychotic, I was introduced to A.A by another ex-soldier who had a ‘wet brain’ but in a short moment of clarity told me about A.A. and its life changers. I was a vegetable on the floor with the ‘Largactil shuffle’, a basket case.

On turning to A.A and the 12 steps, badly affected by trembling of the hands, the shakes, I found the twelve steps to sobriety and asked God as I understand to help me along the way. I was to experience ‘flash backs’ re-runs of my active service. The horror of war can make tough men into cowering wrecks. That was my experience. No wonder I drank to overcome the emotional holocaust, but there is a way out.

My alcoholism has been treated ‘One Day At A Time’ by trying to live daily a God centered life rather than a self-centered life of alcoholism. The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder required specialised treatment at the famous Maudsley Hospital in South London. I have no more flash backs or night terrors now.

I now have nearly twenty years of sobriety as an ex-member of the Armed Service. If you have a drinking problem I urge you to join this Army of Lifechangers, called alcoholics Anonymous. You don’t have to sign on, but just show up at a meeting. I heartily give you A.A our regimental motto for saving my life. I found out the stability of God, as I understand Him Nulli Secundus; Second to None.

I attend A.A regularly to stay sober and help others; especially ex-service members like me.

The LAMPLIGHTER

We had gaslight at home when I was a kid, a long time ago now. The gas lamplighter was once a familiar, comforting sight in towns and cities of this country; bringing much-needed illumination to the streets on long dark, winter nights. 

At the turn of the century (last century), if one was to climb to the top of Saint Paul’s Cathedral or the Tower of London and try looking for the lamplighter, it would be almost an impossibility to see him – but my word, you would see where he had been. Illuminating soft gaslight would bring light to the city. 

This is exactly how I came to understand my Higher Power. I could not see Him in the rooms but I could see where He, who has all power, had been, and continues to be. 

First, I came to an AA meeting. Second, I came to (the emotional fog cleared). Third, I saw His healing handiwork – rooms full of miracles, trophies of grace staring me in the face. The evidence: I could see where He had been. I came to believe in God as I understand. 

Over the past 20 years, in those sacred rooms I’ve seen the darkness of chronic alcoholism turned into the light of sobriety. Transformations! 

Burdens lifted, blind eyes made to see. I’ve seen members of Alcoholics Anonymous take up their beds and walk. I have seen the so-called outcasts, the lice of society, God bless us, transformed, made into new creatures that are wanted, needed and loved. The sick made whole, the insane restored to sanity. I could see where my lamplighter had brought light and life to the bewildered. 

Speaking for myself, the lamplighter has transformed my sorrow into happiness never known before. Words cannot explain my Higher Power. He is the All Sufficient One who illuminates and marries me to change in order to stay sober and help others. 

The age of miracles is still with us. The prescription for those who have difficulties in coming to believe: “Just look around you”, those old-timers said.

So, I will continue to think about my lamplighter story. I cannot see Him, but I can sure see where he has been. 

Life in Caeser’s World

A Bridge to Normal living

Remember the epic film ‘A Bridge Too Far’? It was the story of Arnhem where the Allies bit off a bit more than they could chew. A story of great bravery. 

During my long life I have crossed many bridges and have indeed burnt many bridges. I threw caution to the wind. An emotional holocaust.

Whenever I think of normal living, I bring to mind the sayings of a great teacher 2000 years ago. When asked a question about living affairs, his answer was ‘Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar’s, and render unto God that which is God’s’.  A good yardstick for life!

The Big book says on page 84, ‘We have entered the world of the Spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for a lifetime.’ 

What a lovely guide to my new normal living. I often feel that my bridge begins and swings back again into AA, a sort of swing bridge or turntable always bringing me home.

For example, I need to spend time, regular time, in the rooms of A.A working on my spiritual life in order to live a normal life in Caesar’s world. I need to be constantly in the spiritual gymnasium working on the fast bag and the heavy bag, punching out resentments and sick thoughts in order to be keep my consciousness clear of stinking thinking. 

A.A like the mother she is, gives us wisdom to live a normal life in Caesar’s world. The meetings are my fount of wisdom. In AA meetings I learn that spiritual things are unconditional love, joy, patience, long-suffering, faith, hope, goodness, faithfulness, self-control, and humility. Spiritual armour to deal with people, places and things. Everyday living. 

Normal living for ex-problem drinkers must include devotion to a spiritual way of life instead of always seeking worldly things. Normal living means obedience to God’s will, good twenty-four hour  living. And if normal living means going about like a chicken with its head cut off, running here, there and everywhere squawking in search of self-gratification, that’s not for me. Many of us, have merely switched addictions. 

However, that doesn’t mean to say I cannot enjoy the lovely things the world has to offer. Balance is my need and balance comes from obedience to my Higher Power’s will. Today my prayer is: ‘What is my part in the day ahead so that we can do it together?’

The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous lay down the rules for my functioning in life, my bridge to normal living one day at a time. My life depends on how I may help others. 

My Turning Point.

Who doesn’t like to go to a party and celebrate? People celebrate births, deaths, passing exams, first communions, confirmations, weddings and anniversaries etc. The celebrations are mostly celebrated with drinks such as champagne. I have loused up a few celebrations as an active alcoholic. I could louse up one-car funeral. 

On one occasion I wrecked a wonderful traditional Jewish wedding by fighting the best man and being taken home by the bride and bridegroom – ‘a time to celebrate’. The best man I thumped turned out to be a high-ranking police officer. I was lucky I wasn’t quickly arrested.  There is an aspect of how the story of this celebration ended that I would rather not relate here.

Thank God that shortly afterwards I found A.A. I could have easily been serving time that wouldn’t have been a time to celebrate but a time to commiserate being banged up for two or three years. (Lifechangers were waiting.) However, in sobriety there is a time to celebrate, so ‘Welcome to the party.’

The story I like to think about is the age-old biblical tale of the Prodigal Son, the story of a father’s compassion for a wayward son. It is also a message to us to show great concern for those who need help and are lost. Like the father in the story, so the God of my understanding waited for me to come myself, to come to my senses, to return home (AA) of my own volition.

The waiting father in the story of the Prodigal Son didn’t wait for a total amends or for a cleaned-up act (those steps in recovery can wait) but he ran to him, his son hugged and kissed him, then immediately threw a party. A time to celebrate. Welcome to the party. The father, by running to meet his son, wiped away all his son’s shame and guilt; he had been lost and now was found. The father’s attitude really demonstrates God and AA’s attitude to the suffering alcoholic.  Alcoholics Anonymous desires our restoration more than anything.

The Third Step is a party laid on by God who welcomes all to celebrate, whether people like us or not. He also wants us to support fellow strugglers in the recovery process. ‘It is right to celebrate. For he, your brother was dead and he has come back to life. He was lost and is found.’ Welcome to the party folks – more will be revealed so stick around.

John Barleycorn

(Written for ”Roundabout” magazine)

John Barleycorn is a deceiver and a tempter; he is the evil spirit of alcoholism, he is cunning, baffling and patient. He is a liar, a cheat and a thief. He is a solvent, he is explosive, he wipes out spots, lives, and bank balances. The great Scottish poet Robbie Burns in Tam O’Shanter, wrote “Inspiring bold. What dangers thou cans’t make us scorn John Barleycorn?” Burns knew well!

When I was drinking, I often told lies ‘to get off the hook’. John Barleycorn tells lies ‘to get us on the hook’. 

He is full of deceit, whereas our Higher Power is full of truth. He destroys; God builds us up.

John Barleycorn is out to get us, but God’s only out to get us sober. JB is a tormentor, using weasel words like “Just one drink won’t hurt you”,or “You don’t really have to keep going to those AA meetings…..”

He’s a master of disguise. He can appear as a pretty woman with a ribbon in her hair, a racehorse or greyhound, in the pound note or in the promise of power etc. On the other hand, he can belittle and mock us saying, “You are no damn good, you never will be any good, and you never were any good”, familiar words to alkies.                    John Barleycorn maims, destroys and disables. He fills one’s head with sick thoughts if we let him. He has misled mankind ever since man first crushed the grapes. He can dominate individuals by hatred, money, cheating, irresponsibility, dishonesty, jealousy, violence and many other afflictions. 

Alcoholism is his manifestation. Our Higher Power gives us victorious sobriety, but John Barleycorn loves to see us drunk and out of control. My Scottish wife, R.I.P. used to recite Tam O’ Shanter to me. Follow our spiritual programme and “John Barleycorn” cannot mess with us. Pick up the spiritual tools and he scarpers. Thanks, Rabbie for the timely warning about our Outside Adversary, John Bar Lee Corn.   

Guardsman John (London)                                                                      

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde

I once use to drink in a pub in dear old Edinburgh called ‘ The Deacon Brodie’ in the Royal Mile near Cockburn Street, where today there are AA meetings every day. 

The ‘Deacon Brodie’ was where the famous Scottish writer, Robert Louis Stevenson obtained his inspiration to write his well-known book ‘Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde’. 

Deacon Brodie, you see, was a highly respected member of the Kirk (church) and the magistrate in the town of Edinburgh. However, after drinking, our Deacon Brodie’s behaviour changed. He became a licentious liar, a thief and a cheat and robbed those premises that he had in his trust. Finally, Deacon Brodie was hanged as a common criminal in the ‘Grass Market’ in Edinburgh, Scotland. Unlucky alkie!

The switch of behaviour in Brodie fascinated Robert Stephenson to write the book quoted on page 21 of the Big Book, ‘Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde’. Brodie does absurd, incredible, tragic things whenever drinking. That was my type of drinking, a behavioural alcoholic. Once I started, I couldn’t guarantee what was going to happen. My disposition while drinking barely resembled my normal nature. 

I too, like Deacon Brodie, was a respectable member of the church, but once I drank, my personality changed. I became dangerously anti-social. The change was gradual but progressive. I too became a liar, a thief and a cheat. Towards the end of my alcoholic drinking, I was a vegetable on the floor and very suicidal. 

Coming to A.A when all the score cards read zero, I knew I couldn’t safely drink again. On turning to AA and the 12 steps, I found a different change, a psychic change sufficient to recover from a hopeless state of mind and body. God sets the prisoners free with A.A. If you ever go Edinburgh, look for ‘The Deacon Brodie’ pub. Don’t go in, but do read the board outside. It relates to the story I’ve just related to you, ‘Doctor Jekyll and Mr Hyde’. Thank you, Robert Louis Stevenson. Your story helped me onto the high road to a new freedom.

Guardsman John                                                                                                                                       St Vedasts, London

The Logic of Cause and Effect

Cause and effect = logic, and the first step of our AA programme is a step of logic.

The total collapse, the major disasters and insane acts of my life were all booze related. I had years not drinking in AA before I realised there was ‘hyphen’ between the second and first parts of the first step. The hyphen means there is a distinct linkage. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable. 

The price I pay for my powerlessness over alcohol is my unmanageability. The cause is booze. The effect is an unmanageable life. 

I was asked by my sponsor to list the disasters, the bad events and perils of my life, then write down their cause. I needn’t tell you they were all related to old John Barleycorn and his mad realm. Booze means trouble, cause and effect. 

Now that I am not drinking, I cannot link my unmanageability with alcohol. So, what is it that will cause trouble today? For me, it’s doing it ‘my way’ like the old song of Frank Sinatra, ‘My Way’. When I do it my way back comes the unmanageable life. Doing it God’s way, the Programme’s way, brings peace, cause and effect again – Programme = Peace of Mind. 

Dependence on self brings chaos, God-dependence brings great joy and the ability to live with unsolved problems, again a case of cause and effect. We will know a new freedom a new happiness, is the effect of doing the steps.  

Keep the memory evergreen, think, think, think, first things first, all our slogans and programme are related to cause and effect. The effect on my life today is fantastic. The cause – putting the plug in the jug and trusting God.  This now is real logic.

KING ALCOHOL DE-THRONED

The first new freedom that I was to experience when arriving in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous was freedom from the locked ward of the mental hospital where I had been incarcerated under a section of the Mental Health Act. I was a vegetable on the floor, a basket case, but I was allowed to leave the insane asylum because of A.A. and God’s divine intervention. 

It was my prison. the shame of being sectioned, certified of unsound mind and detained involuntarily in the mental hospital’s locked ward. I felt like a bird set free even though extremely sick. It was good not to have any more of those dreadful hangovers and love affairs with the toilet bowl with the dry heaves. Freedom from the DTs (delirium tremens), the shakes, the sweats.

Coming into AA for me was the entry of the redeemed, the prodigal returning home. I haven’t returned to this insane asylum since that day. I came to AA over 20 years ago. It was a new freedom to be freed from the Legion of the Lost and not return, one day at a time. For this I am grateful to God and AA. 

However, the new freedom was from the internal struggle, the inside job, the memory bank filled with grudges, fears, obsessions and guilt. It was a continuous struggle to find peace. I believe that we are all born with built-in alarm systems that alert us to what is wrong and it got me in a real twist. My conscience was in constant turmoil. I was forced to drown it out with whisky. The guilt and remorse gave me hellish mental pain.  

On stopping drinking I would work hard at trying to be good to counteract my wrongs. I rationalised my failures and misconduct away. I quickly became hyper- A.A and a master of displacement activity to prevent looking at myself. I engaged myself in all the different activities of A.A. I ran from meeting to meeting and never really listened. I used AA like a talisman, a meeting addict but still the devious, internal struggle went on and on. Don’t get me wrong, it is good to go to lots of meetings, but I was still not experiencing the new freedom even though I was hyper-AA. Much Ado about nothing. 

I grew a front as large as Marks and Spencer’s.  It was all a facade. The freedom from my soul sickness was a tough one. The breakthrough came with my Fourth Step followed by an honest Step Five. I set out to stop the internal struggle and admit what was wrong in my life. There is no new freedom, I found, without the healing Fifth step quasi-confession of our Programme, a triangular confession to God, to another human being and myself the exact nature of my wrongs. 

I was a great cover up merchant full of prejudices and intolerance, a liar, thief and cheat whilst drinking, a resentful, fearful, embittered person full of alibis, coming up with excuses. I came clean, I cleaned house. I felt my new freedom start to shape up. Burdens were lifted. A life-changing breakthrough on one step towards a full recovery. A life changing breakthrough and one step towards a full recovery.  Deep down in my heart, I felt healed, restored and forgiven. King Alcohol dethroned. A new freedom through confession.  I really feel good about it.

The Twelve Steps

I suppose the twelve steps are a practical philosophy of how to live positively with the disease of alcoholism. A… Don’t drink one day at a time. B…Find a God in your life that is understandable. C…Begin to make positive choices, clean house. D…Never forget to be an essential part if the message. Help Others.

The Miracle of this twelve-step way of life, spiritual philosophy, is that it reaches out to many who suffer with addictive compulsions and teaches us to live with being imperfect. I believe the ‘twelve steps’ are the answer to ‘the fall of man’ ….unity with my God at last.

My charismatic nun friend, now for two decades, who prayed over me when I took my ‘third step’ with her as my witness. Sr Josephine W., on that sacred surrender I made with her loving help, she exclaimed, ‘the AA steps are the twelve steps to holiness’, which is to be made whole and transformed, renewed. Keep it simple, to be made whole. The third step prayer is: – “ God, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of thy power, thy love, and thy way of life. May I do thy will always”.  Now power flows in as we draw close to him…….

Discernment of Heart

I never really learn discernment until I lay aside reasoning. For reasoning is a product of my head; it opens my head to fear and impossibility thinking. Discernment is a product of my spirit, my heart; it opens the door to faith and great accomplishments, not drinking for 25 years e.g.

My Head doesn’t understand spiritual things! So, when my spirit brings forth discernment and my head starts arguing about it, I never make any progress. That’s because I am human and want to do it ‘My Way’, however my Higher Power has a plan of my life and he helps me discern it, one step at a time, one day at a time. So, I do it His Way. Yippee!

My spirit within, if I listen and attend meetings it knows the things my head doesn’t know. The hunch or an intuition sometimes is God’s Spirit trying to convey answers to me, so I try not to reject because it doesn’t sound reasonable.

Thank you for reading and hopefully you’ll share John’s words to other members around the globe. Sadly, Guardsman John left us for the meeting in the sky in 2013, yet his spirit lives on.