East London Archives of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Towards the end of my drinking, I had a TV show on Sky, sang their 5-year anniversary song, I had not long left the Cherry Bombz. The TV bosses mentioned getting deals with clothes shops, meaning free clothes, who wouldn’t like free clothes? Me! Because I can’t go and wear someone else’s because I’ll be invisible. I felt I needed to be seen, needed to shock people. It was my low self-worth and lack of esteem always taken from the outside. I had my own show which was being affected by my drinking. I became obnoxious and had to feel special. I presented the first ever world music video awards, it had never been done before, I was doing some incredible things, yet I couldn’t feel or connect to it. I remember when we (Toto Coelo) were number six in the charts and everyone had a party, I thought, Ok and had a line of cocaine and champagne. I was in the King and I, now I know I had psychosis, as I was taking 30 drops of speed in my coffee, there is a bit in the ballet where I had to balance but was shaking, the lady in the café opposite called the Dr, he asked if I had taken anything I said no, but they knew, I went home and put the speed down but couldn’t put the drink down.

My emotional growth stopped when addiction took over, first it was food, then I started drinking at around 12 or 14. I see addiction as a tree, all branches are different substances, but alcohol brought me to my knees. I was defensive, insular and barricaded myself against the world. They talk about the loneliness deep inside every alcoholic, and this was always there. Sky was letting go of people and I think I was the first. I didn’t drink when working, but it was my mentality. I was imploding from the inside with insecurity and paranoia. I remember going home and drinking while watching Bon Jovi’s, Dead or Alive music video and wailing, it was tragic, I laugh now, but it was tragic. My flatmate and his partner came back, I was drunk and left the front door open, they weren’t happy. I jumped in a cab to a friend in Maida Vale to carry on drinking. I woke up and said I cannot do this, I went home and said I’m going to A.A. I have no idea where it came from.

I called A.A. and this beautiful woman called Maureen contacted me and said, would you like to go to a meeting? I said, I’m busy, yet, the next day Maureen took me to Mill Lane in West Hampstead, it was a Step meeting, they go to step one if a newcomer was in the room. In the middle of the meeting, a guy shared he had a 10-day blackout, Maureen was giving him a lift home, I said to him, I feel really bad for you, he was 10 years sober at the time and this was my first meeting. I was a smiling assassin; it amazes me I kept coming back. I had no money, was in county court with a shoe box of receipts, being manipulative and young they took pity on me and told me to work with someone to repay the debt and began paying £3 a week. I got sober with no money, I walked to meetings and felt scared. I was young in an adult body and didn’t know how to do life.

While wondering if I was an alcoholic, an old timer, Percy from East London shared at the Lisson Grove meeting, “I’ve never seen anyone wake up in the morning and say to themselves, oh, I think I’ll go to an A.A meeting” that made me uncomfortable. When I moved to East London many people remembered him. My last drink was when I bought a bottle of champagne as a birthday gift. I had been going to meetings and realised after taking 2 or 3 sips it got me, that there wasn’t enough alcohol in the world for me and A.A helped me see that. I was waking up in the middle of consequences, I lost everything, had no self-esteem and people were telling me to be grateful, that’s hard, right? yet I kept coming back, there is a higher power and it isn’t me.

My sobriety date is 3rd April 1988. I was blessed with a beautiful sponsor, Maureen, who had been taking me to meetings. Maureen said to take on a commitment, I said I can’t, I’m self-employed, and I may work at some point, she said you can do it until you can’t, I took on the tea. I was grandiose, tried to change the biscuits yet made tea with cold water. I remember this lady at the meeting I thought disliked me, she seemed miserable, it bothered me, I tried to make her like me. A few months later she said hello, I found out her husband was dying and this is why she looked unhappy, it had nothing to do with me.

Maureen gave me her work number in case of an emergency. After a meeting in Paddington, I called her, Maureen was a nurse, and she asked if I was, ok? Is it an emergency. I said I’m feeling a bit funny, she said can I call you back later if it isn’t an emergency? I said to myself, see they say ring, but they don’t mean it. I had to get myself on track by realising Maureen answered the phone while at work and asked if I was ok, looking back I wonder how I stayed sober with that head.

I was going to Kilburn meetings which appeared to be full of Scottish and Irish. Although I have Irish blood in me, I looked for differences, they were not like me, no one was, I’m mixed race. This was me not wanting to accept being an alcoholic/addict. I accept we are alcoholics and find recovery a great way of connecting with the human spirit to see the individual. Ironically the more dependent I became on my recovery, the 12-step programme and fellowship the more independent I became and to be my own unique person. We are linked by the illness but we all have our back stories and unique personalities. I had to be rigid with recovery, not be around certain people, realising for me, it was working from the outside in, normally it’s the inside out, but it was the outside in for me. I went to see Alannah Myles who sang Black Velvet, such a good gig, but it brought up so much for me, when they say we will not regret the past…this I found hard, I had so many opportunities. I feel strongly, we in recovery do not have the monopoly on pain and being spiritual

The first time being asked to sponsor, I was like oh my god, as we knew each other back in the day and when they asked me, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t. One afternoon I was in a bad way and was meant to meet this person, I didn’t want to and called Maureen but no answer. I met this person, we sat, I listened, I got through to Maureen later and couldn’t remember why I needed to speak to her. Meeting that person got me out of myself, I was there for someone else and that’s what this is about.

My son and husband are so supportive, on my 21st sobriety birthday my husband made this incredible huge coin out of oak, such a precious gift. They both know how much this means to me. Over the years I get asked to sponsor and still do, it’s finding a balance. When I had my son, my husband was working, I’d be on the phone with a newcomer while cooking, well, burning food, in fact not everything is hot on the plate at the same time. Anyway, I learnt to say no. What happens now is people call, we have a chat. I sponsor the way Maureen did with me. In those early days, many members helped me like Imogen who was friends with Maureen, Window Cleaner Des and Alan who would say, I’m a defect looking for a character.

My sobriety song is Amazing Grace. My friend Lindsey sang this at my wedding. I got married at high beech church, Lindsey was going to sing it acapella and the choir person said, are you sure? As soon as Lindsey opened her mouth everyone was in awe and moved, she is a natural. I had the St Francis of Assisi and serenity prayer read too. I got back into performing and wrote a song about recovery, Give Me the Answer. Since coming to this fellowship, I’ve met beautiful people like My American friend Lorraine, the first woman who showed me sobriety can be attractive and fun, she is so alive and vibrant. My friend Zara, I met at a convention, sang in the spiritual meeting and about a year into knowing each other, we realised we met when I was presenting the first music video awards for Sky with Gary Davies, Zara was doing backing vocals for Bob Geldof. We clocked each other but didn’t realise we met before we both got sober.

At 11 years sober, 5 months pregnant we moved to East London, my husband was knocking down and rebuilding the house, so I lived with Maureen in Kilburn and at weekends came to Woodford, I was working for Hope Treatment Centre as I re-trained because of the gifts of sobriety as an addiction and trauma therapist. I made Monday South Woodford my homegroup, it was at Broadmead Church, then Derby Road and now the memorial hall. The area was new, they made tea in the middle of the meeting, I wasn’t used to this. When I moved over, I wanted to do service and felt you all had two heads and saw my illness telling me you’re not my people and began being the Literature sec. I started going to Chingford on Thursday for the Barking meetings (Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday) my son would come with me, and lovely Alison would take him to the shop. I’ve been a literature sec and greeter many times, I love it, I do service at the group level, being a newcomer rep, and timekeeper, I have been GSR, been to intergroup, phone service and secretary, I have always been involved, striking that balance. When I did my first chair in East London, Pat and Jean made me feel so welcome. Maxine asked me to sponsor her shortly after moving to East London, this gift helped me settle in the area. My family and I love her and her children very much, and I feel grateful they are in our lives.

There is more of a diverse fellowship I noticed since coming to A.A. I had a blessed sponsor; Maureen would say respect A.A. The fellowship has a big enough umbrella to grow and explore, now there is more of a crossover, I feel it is important for people to find their own way, like Maureen showed me. I think the beauty of the fellowship shone during lockdown with the genius of A.A moving online.

I feel grateful to the two people who challenged my drinking between 19 – 21-year-old. They wanted me to get well and are like my brother and sister. They have been supportive of my recovery and are godparents to my son, we love them so much. when I was drinking, I would always be around them after, as I felt safe. It took a while in recovery to feel like an adult with them, I had turned them into parental roles during my drinking.

Maureen was humble, I have never met anyone like her, she walked the walk, and was grateful for her recovery, she had been through tough moments. Maureen passed away 49 years sober, I saw her just before she died and always shared honestly with her but all of a sudden, I went protective and didn’t share, someone asked why are you not sharing with her? So, I was honest with Maureen, we both cried, she was beautiful and so gentle with me. Everything I am is because of the fellowship, everything I have today is because I’m sober, it has given me the ability to breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth. Put one foot in front of the other and walk in a direction, sit on a chair, be loving, be angry, be whatever, it has given me the ability to live, to sing, to dance, without sobriety there wouldn’t be this life and my greatest gift is being a sober wife and mother.  

Anita – July 2024.