East London Archives of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I was brought up on the borders of Essex and East London.  As a child I was full of fear and wasn’t well. Drinking alcohol was in our culture, I can’t say I had a moment where I picked up a drink and everything changed, that wasn’t how it was for me. My first real memory of drinking was dad buying bottles of baby sham, it was new. We had a butler’s tray with drinks lined up and I went along the line and began filling the baby sham up with spirits and thinking this is nice. We believed it was always a good idea to drink, no matter what the occasion 

My teenage years was chaotic; my friends and I were misfits. I mixed with people who were messed up like me. I left home when I could, my gran left some money and I bought a car, me and a few friends drove to Devon, a friend in the back played roll over Beethoven on guitar and I rolled the car knocked down a telegraph pole and cut all communications in the area. I spent three months in hospital in Wiltshire, with a broken leg and damaged head. All I ever wanted to do was get away. While in hospital my friends and boyfriend would get a train from London and sneak alcohol in. After leaving hospital I had to go stay with my dad in London.  

Me and a friend decided to move to Cornwall. I worked in a pub; she worked in a restaurant. We lived in a room at the end of a farm with no running water. We had a laugh and drunk most of the time. The landlord was a wise drunk, the pub was in the mid country, life went on and I tried to be a good person and decided to do something good in life and trained to be a teacher. I was told I was good at it; Yet couldn’t sustain and left. 

I was hitchhiking and felt a freedom. Currently I follow the teachings where a wise man arrives, back then, in my case, a heroin addict pulled up in a car. We got married. He would get off heroin by drinking bottles of scotch. We were together a short time until he went to find himself on top of a mountain in Spain. Years later he came back and had found a solution, he told me I didn’t have to live this way.   

I was now with my partner of 27 years; he had a lust for life. We had two sons, we moved a lot, did various things for a living. Towards the end of my drinking, we owned a charter yacht in the south of France; my sons were crew with me and my partner. There were times I couldn’t get out of bed, and I now know they were panic attacks. I had pervasive fear; I wasn’t afraid of anything particular. There was a feeling of something coming to an end, I wasn’t coping at all and remember walking near the beach with my partner, and I had no idea we had been on a walk. I said to him, do you know how bad I am? he said, ‘you are pretty bad, but you always pull yourself back’. I said it’s like the elastic is broken, normally I get to the edge and pull back, but something has broken and I’m going over the edge. I opened an English magazine; there was an advert for A.A. I rang the number and got an answerphone, which had members names and numbers on it and I did nothing about it. I struggled to get out of bed, wash, do normal things. At this time my sons were late teens and studying, while my partner worked.  

Friday Morning, in my lounge, I see bottles on the side and out the corner of my eye this book where I wrote the A.A numbers in, at the bottom of the page was a woman’s name, so I called, she answered. I know that woman wasn’t meant to be in on a Friday morning, because later on I joined a tennis club and we played every Friday morning, so it was odd she was home. Anyway, she talked to me, told me where the meetings are, she offered for someone to come and get me, but I said no. 

There was one meeting in the village, I said I can’t go, my sons go to school there. She said, someone is really gonna go home from an A.A. meeting and say guess who I saw in an AA meeting today. I was so ashamed. I went that night, walked up to a little church hall, saw the word God on the serenity prayer, and thought oh it’s the God squad. These people were charming; they gave me a coffee and shared their ESH. Something made me go back, those people had done things like I had, things they weren’t proud of yet were living ok with decent lives. They said keep coming back, don’t pick up the first drink. I didn’t stop drinking. One day a guy from Paris came, he said, it’s the summer season the bars will survive without you, Penny. Why don’t you try our way for a few months and if you want to go back out there, the bars will still be open in the Autumn, it was that moment, I decided to try the A.A way. My sobriety date is 21^st of May 1996. 

It was hard, no one knows when the craving will be lifted, but for me it took 11 months. I went to meetings; was angry and in emotional pain. It wasn’t one day at a time; it was one second. The meetings were one hour; no chairs and I needed the people there. I would talk a lot on the phone with other newcomers; it kept us in. I didn’t want people to tell me what to do, but they had my number, they would ask, could you give this woman a lift, or could you pick up the key to open the meeting. I remember picking this American woman up from a posh hotel, all she talked about was big book all the way into the hills and on the way back, she would ask to meet me for coffee. It was very American recovery, loved it.  

I went to a convention, I think it was the first one in Greece. A friend had been put down as a chair, she was furious, when the woman came to get her, she said, I’m not doing it, ask her and pointed to me. The woman said, it’s a step chair, I said, I know nothing about the steps. The woman said how long are you around, I said 11 Months, she said you must know something. I went up, and there was two of us, the other speaker was Genevieve from London. Genevieve, with her wisdom and humour said I think you should let Penny go first, because she will be sitting there thinking about what she should say and won’t pick up any of my wisdom……it was the best thing, I shared and Genevieve spoke and I picked up so much from her, she was around a long time then and was very wise.  

After sharing, people spoke to me and I felt part of. An Irish couple said to me that was a step one chair, and you’ll know when to move on, don’t let people pressure you. That was helpful. I came back to the meeting in France, they said, you’ve changed, I said what do you mean? They said you are looking at us, your head is lifted. I finally was able to speak to this woman from the meeting, and we spoke for three hours. I said I cannot do the steps because I don’t believe in God, she said, we have just done the first three steps in our conversation. She said what keeps you sober? I said the Friday meeting, she said isn’t that a power greater than you? So, we started. I would go to see her for 2 hours once a week. The first time I told her my story while we sat under a waterfall. I couldn’t remember my past but could remember the people. My relationship with people, finally she said Penny, this is getting boring, can’t you see the pattern? I was grateful for that. She said we should do step 6 and 7, I said, I can’t, because I don’t know what it means, not the words but the connection with my reactions and how I feel. We ended up going our separate ways but are still friends. Me and my partner split and I moved back to London, when I was around two years sober.   

I moved into my sister’s spare room (who is in the fellowship) and began going to East London meetings, oh my god it was an hour and half with a chair and men with shaved heads. Everyone looked cold, grey and miserable. No one spoke to me. I said to my sister if nobody talks to me, I’m not gonna go anymore. Someone did speak to me it was (Toothpick) Ray at the Sunday meeting in Walthamstow. People would ask, if I was new, I’d say no, they would walk away. Ray turned to me and said, if you’re not new, where have you been? I said, I was in France, so we chatted. A shaved headed guy shared he was full of fear; I looked at him and it broke something in me to share. Ruth came to me, gave me her number and said, don’t turn your pain in on yourself and go I’ll show you how you’ve destroyed me, use your anger to stay sober and show you can build a new life.

I learnt about anger in England. A guy was doing a chair and showing off about what a gigolo he’d been. I had this feeling rise from my stomach, same as on the way to the meeting I had been crying, I learnt I was angry, he taught me anger. Ruth was my sponsor for a while, we did part ways after a short time, she was very kind and had my number on a few things. 

I met Joe at the Friday Whipps Cross meeting, my homegroup, He would say things like, what worried you last week, Penny? I would say, Oh I don’t know…..then I got it. I was talking to the secretary of the Whipps meeting and said I’m stuck, I don’t want to drink, but if this is all there is, then what’s the point? It was a grey place. I said, if Joe was a woman I would ask him to help me, the secretary said to me it wouldn’t be a problem with you or Joe, ask him. I asked, he said do you meditate?  And he’s been helping me ever since. We talk for hours, every time he would leave our meeting he would turn to me and say, ‘All that is very interesting about God, the Absolute, the Universe, what it all means…Just don’t pick up the first drink, get to meetings and you’ll be fine’. He would then go. I saw Joe recently and told him I’m not meditating and praying properly, he said have you drank? If not, then that’s the most important thing, Penny. 

The service I did when I came to England was different to what I did in France. I went to East London Intergroup, someone mentioned about me taking on secretary, I said there is male chair and vice chair so, yeah, a woman is to be secretary, I was raging about sexism. I ended up becoming chair of East London and would go to the cockney convention during my tenure. I think I took over just after Avi….I’m not sure the date. I took on Region rep because I was curious. I wanted to know how it all worked. I and Avi did a lot of work at region, he made things happen and would say what he thought was right, he was very good. When the London Regions split to North and South, I put my hand up to be a conference delegate with a woman called Jackie and Miranda. Jackie was south London and Miranda did a lot at the London office, both were encouraging. I loved Conference, there is a lot of discussion, people see things so differently, but the Group Conscience prevails and has integrity.  

One year at conference the committee recommended to not upgrade a leaflet, it was voted on. One woman got up and objected, it was amazing, it was the concept V (5) listen to the voice of the minority. This woman made a heartfelt speech, when she sat down, everyone clapped, the Chair said would conference vote on whether we wish to reconsider? We did and then took another vote to change the decision. So, the leaflet was going to be done. That is how A.A. works at its purest.  

I then went on to serve as a Board Member. Conference and the Board showed me that AA, as a whole has integrity and compassion, the primary purpose of helping the suffering alcoholic is at its heart. Individuals may stumble but A.A. will not let me down and this is what I was told in my early meetings.  

A.A has given me a different way of looking at life, it’s taught me about me and the way I react to the world and the possibilities there are. Step 11 is Joe and the teaching I follow but Alcoholics Anonymous is my foundation, without that there’s nothing. My sobriety was enhanced, because what I entrusted it to is powerful. If we all lived by the steps, traditions and concepts it would be a better world. The way I feel about myself and the world, from being hopeless, evil and a bad person to acceptance of being human, it has given me hope. If I follow this program and stick to A.A I can live a better life and life is a value and not dark, it is light.  

I’m not happy and joyous, but I’m free. It says in the promises we will know a new freedom and a new happiness. I now have something inside, where there once was an empty space of fear and darkness, that isn’t there anymore, Its faith in the Absolute and AA. I am free, I can just be Penny and that is alright.