East London Archives of Alcoholics Anonymous.

My name’s John, I’m an alcoholic, I don’t know my exact sobriety date, but I know I put it down in October 2003, following a historical relationship with alcohol that was never kind to me. My drinking was not what I would consider normal, I don’t know what normal drinking is. When young it was clubs’ pubs and women. I enjoyed getting shitfaced and getting comatose, I never enjoyed having a couple. Looking back alcohol enabled me to cope with living life on life’s terms, I was taken by alcohol at an early age. My earliest bad exploit was attacking my next-door neighbour when I was 18 years old with a hammer. Because he accused me of doing something I hadn’t done, he went to the hospital and I went to bed, during the attack the other neighbours came and pulled me off, and I lost it. Alcohol turned me into a beast, that was the story of my alcohol relationship. My mother used to say, you’re just like your nan, alcohol is poison to you. I was morally corrupt, potentially dangerous and unreliable.  

I remember coming home one night, my mum and stepdad locked themselves in the bedroom, I never raised a hand to my mum, but she saw in me what she grew up with. She was from an alcoholic household. She used to come home as a child and witness fighting, her mum (my nan) would pull knives out and blood would be up the walls, my mum lived with it, and I ended up petrifying her with how lost I was.  

I started working at the bottom as a fitter’s mate in the commercial heating, ventilation and air conditioning industry, all my peers were older. On Friday nights in the pub my only aspiration was to keep up with the pace of four pints in an hour. I worked hard, have always been a grafter, and have done well in the industry working up from the bottom, moving into the design side, running large projects and then into the sales and marketing. I was well thought of. Alcohol changed my personality, I wasn’t myself. I didn’t know who I was. I lost my driving licence after a crash. The firm paid taxi fares for me to go all over the southeast to run projects. I was earning big money and moved to Sales and Marketing which meant entertaining and boozing. I was barely hanging on at work, my head was tearing me to pieces and struggling to cope. My long-time partner and I got married, she said the drinking made me unreliable, yet it was helping me get further up the ladder and earn more. Step one talks about unmanageability, I had bailiffs at the door, and people chasing money from me, I didn’t open letters because it meant reality. All of it came to a head, after a Saturday on the sofa crying, my wife gave me an ultimatum, she wanted a divorce. 

In October 2003, I put the alcohol down and remember going out with clients and not knowing what to say, I was like a rabbit in headlights. I was faced with a stark reality. A week or so later I was having mini breakdowns, I was overwhelmed with shame and guilt, I didn’t know what they were, then. I was vulnerable and kept going to work trying to hold it together, while I’d cry like a baby at home. This happened for six months, I was going to drink, I was like a duck, all cool and calm on top of the water while going mad under. My ex said you need to go to Alcoholics Anonymous; I ended up going on a Saturday night to South Woodford at the old scout hut in April 2004. ‘Tottenham’ George was standing outside, he said, you been before? I said no, and he said ‘Welcome home, my friend’…to this day that is the most profound thing someone has ever said to me. ‘Tottenham’ George was doing the chair, I think he was from Tottenham. That meeting was huge, it felt like a lot of people in there. What struck me was the laughter, loads of biscuits and tea, and people hugging and smiling, I couldn’t work it out, I didn’t know what to expect, my understanding of an alcoholic is the park bench tramp in a Mac with string-tied around the waist. Inside I knew I was a hopeless case; I was a hopeless state of mind and body and I wasn’t going to make it.  

I didn’t come to A.A. because I was bored of Coronation Street, but after a year in A.A. I was getting bitter and angry, I was irritable, restless and discontent and realised it was time to get involved with the steps. I used to go to the feelings meeting in Walthamstow on Sunday mornings, there was a guy there called Geoff, he was humble, and around for a long time. He had a distinctive voice and always dressed in black, I asked him to take me through the steps. Geoff knew his stuff, what impressed me was his knowledge of self, which I see as emotional sobriety. Putting the drink down I was on my own and a wreck, and it was time to learn about myself. Geoff used to say, you will learn what will make you tick. The answers are in that big book. It talks about being recovered in the book. I tell you now, I have recovered from that hopeless state of mind and body, I am not hopeless and haven’t been for a long time, I am recovered in that regard, but I’m not cured as an alcoholic, I have no qualms, if I pick up a drink I will be back to the start. No one has come back and said it was great out there…..that’s if they get back.  

The steps changed my life because of my perception and understanding of self, to take responsibility for my bad behaviour which was shown in Steps 4 and 5. We are here because we have a problem and this is our last chance. I practice 10, 11 and 12 to the best of my ability. I don’t have a deity, I just know I’m not in control, I can do the next best thing and turn it over and what will be, will be.  

In July 2004 three months after coming into A.A., I felt I was pressured into doing my first chair at a local meeting in Tavistock, Dartmoor. I was visiting and a new face. I lasted 15 minutes before breaking down while talking about the hammer incident when I was 18 years old. Geoff encouraged me to get into service, in 2005 – 2007 I was GSR at Loughton and Walthamstow at the same time. Secretary in 2007 at Chingford Thursday meeting, Treasurer at Upshire. Currently, I’m secretary of the Buckhurst Hill lunchtime meeting, where I was group Treasurer.  We got together and moved the Buckhurst Hill Wednesday evening meeting to Bedford House. I’m on the 12-step list and sponsor a few guys. The book, says love and tolerance of others is our code. If something is causing you distress, then share it, we let them share. During COVID, I did a lot of walking and occasionally bumped into members which always lifts me. I did struggle when we were let back out, I had become quite isolated which is a default position for me and that is why I needed to go to meetings. 

My mind is no longer cluttered with shame and guilt and I’m able to grow. No one is expecting anything from me, I don’t need to live a lie, yet I have innate defects; I believe they are hardwired personality traits which I manage today. I have a framework for living daily, my biggest challenge on a day-to-day basis is how I conduct myself. I’m comfortable in my skin, yet rather harsh on myself if I feel I have fallen short. I have had challenges in life, at eight years of sobriety we got divorced, I was a scared boy who didn’t know how to live on his own sober. I lost my mum, my biological dad and my uncle to cancer, and a close aunt. I’ve experienced bereavement, divorce and redundancy. I suffered a full-on breakdown 7 years into sobriety and I couldn’t work – I didn’t look after myself and just crashed.

In terms of a higher power, it is the universe for me. I don’t have a deity in my life and I don’t subscribe to organised religion, I just know I’m not in control of everything, only my own actions – ‘Good Orderly Direction’. Handing it over or to let go and let God is my approach and what will be will be. Whatever works for you is great, it is God as we understand him, and it’s on an individual basis. Since putting the drink down, I went back to study and achieved management certificates, degrees, a master’s, and a teaching diploma and went and taught in higher education. One of my loves is mountain walking and I finished mountain leader training. Before coming to the rooms, I was diagnosed as a type one diabetic at 36 years old, I told my consultant about my drinking, and he said if you carry on like that you will die, I passed out a few times in a diabetic coma. My rock bottom was a combination of two serious illnesses, my alcoholism and type one diabetes. I practiced full-contact martial arts which I had to stop because of diabetes, so I got off the martial arts mat and got on the Yoga mat, last year in 2023 I qualified as a Yoga teacher. Sobriety has allowed me to care for myself and keep in good shape.  

On the 10th of October 2024, I was waiting for my type one diabetes consultant to come on screen for my annual review.  He witnessed me have three seizures, I was put in a coma at Whipps Cross, ventilated for 24 hours, ran tests and turns out I have a brain tumour. The NHS were quick, I was operated on. The feedback was I had had this tumour for 5 years, which is a slow grower, they described my recovery as the quickest they have seen from brain surgery. Then…it turns out the tumour changed state, and they have now given me 12 – 18 months, so it’s a different ball game, I’m faced with an overwhelming situation. I’m in good condition, the treatment may give me more time, but all the plans I had with my partner have gone to the wall. We are just doing what we can, getting affairs in order, making sure my partner will be looked after, who was going to move in with me while we developed and extended her house. I was going to propose to her when we moved in to her house after all the development work and the sale of my place, so that’s all changed so I proposed to her when I came out of hospital…she said Yes, which is handy, so we are getting married on 21st December 2024.  

At the end of the day, we all know we have to go, in the West, death is sanitised, we are so far removed from the concept of loss of life, that it isn’t until something like this happens, that we realise how fragile life is, I am now faced with my mortality, and have to get some acceptance around the diagnosis, but I haven’t yet. It took me a while to accept being an alcoholic, but I did in the end and now I have to try and come to terms with this new situation.  

Just for today has never been so poignant and relevant. I have had the opportunity to have a go at life and start again and that’s all because of A.A. and sobriety. Today I have a lovely partner who is an absolute wonder, she is full of love and kindness and is a very good woman and I am lucky to have her with me on the journey. My learning has continued in A.A. along with the support and love of my fellows. I have learnt much about self through the steps, a process that stripped me down and allowed me to rebuild. My experience has also proven that I need my A.A. fellows and that the magic happens in the rooms – it’s where I belong in order to sustain my sobriety, strength and hope living on life’s terms.