I had many losses at an early age, I got into solvent abuse and was expelled from school, then at the age of 14, I decided not to take anything. I didn’t for two years and got very low. At 16 I was in a club in Stamford Hill with my dad he bought me three halves of lager. I don’t know if it was because I was in such a low place or alcoholism had progressed, but those halves of lager felt like a spiritual experience. I had a numbness all around my face and felt excited, I couldn’t wait to get back to the bar and laugh and joke again. I had been withdrawn with low self-esteem and unable to hold conversations from the age of 14. The drink took me quickly it was messy and humiliating.
At 18 years old I was earning well and decided to do something to curb my drinking. I decided to buy a flat and not drink until I got the deposit. I stopped for three months. We were paid in cash at that time, so to help stop me drinking I asked my girlfriend (now my wife), to meet me at work in Mansion House and walk me past the pub. We saved and bought the flat, furnished it and then it all went to pot again; I went on an almighty binge. My drinking was out in the open, embarrassing, and humiliating from the start, I never knew when my head would go. I would often wake up on the streets and sometimes in Police cells following them picking me up for my own good.
I went to my first meeting in Tottenham (a reflections meeting) at some point during 1990, I identified immediately. Someone spoke about asking for help…I thought, I’m never going to ask you lot for help; that was my first memory of that inner rage. So far as I was concerned, I had dealt with my mum passing away from cancer when I was 9 years old, my step mum when I was 14, solvent abuse, my dad’s drinking and his absence without anyone’s help – I had no intention of looking for help from anyone now. I carried on drinking, and it continued to get worse despite my efforts.
I was a blackout drinker and would get fits of rage from time to time; taking it out on walls, doors, and dustbins. My wife was in despair as to what to do with me; we often broke up and then got back together following more promises. I went back to A.A. to the Whipps Cross meeting in 1994, I sat there for three months, did or said nothing.
We were five months behind the mortgage and sleeping on a mattress, the remainder of the flat was practically dilapidated. After three months in A.A during 1994, I decided to try drinking again. My wife wasn’t talking to me after another five-day bender. I begged her to forgive me and promised we would go out for the day, we got in the car, and we went past the Castle pub (Walthamstow Village) which was about 200 yards down the road. Before I knew it, I was standing at the bar with a pint in hand. My wife was in the car despite my having meant it when I promised her. I loved her, but the booze had its grip on me. The DTs, fear and panic attacks got bad along with depression, I was unable to go to work; I was alone with the illness.
My wife started a new job after the above drunk and asked me to pick the mattress up and put it on the settee, I had a moments compassion for her and desperately wanted to do this simple task but couldn’t cope. I collapsed on that mattress crying to the point of losing my breath; something broke that morning. I phoned A.A. and detoxed at Greig House during mid to late February 1996; it was men only back then. I was there for a week and would have stayed forever if I had funding due to the fear of facing the outside world again.
I was 27 years old, so recovered quickly, went to Thorpe Combe Hospital to meet with my counsellor after leaving the Greig House. I remember leaving and having a panic attack and a sudden compulsion to drink and thought I would drink. A little voice said go to my doctor’s first which was on the same road. The Doctor saw me, and I broke down pleading for help, she could not do enough for me, she met with me every day before finding me a place in Waltham Forest Alcohol Counselling Services (WACS).
I started WACS, met Dot who sadly during my time writing this has passed away. She was a wise and kind lady who helped many alcoholics in East London. I met ‘Irish’ Ray, ‘Irish’ Tom and ‘Wood Street’ Bob at WACS. We would regularly go to the log cabin for tea, coffee and fellowship. I had no intention of going back to A.A. but out of loneliness attended the Friday night Whipps Cross meeting with Ray, Bob and Tom. I heard things I had not heard before, such as, service, sharing, sponsorship and program. It became clear I must give this 150% – I had divine intervention, a moments clarity, it all clicked into place, and knew I was in the right place. Whipps Cross has been my home group for 28 years. I met Irish Kevin early in my sobriety, who I leaned on a lot for guidance, and he remains a very good friend and mentor to this day.
I went to the Claybury hospital meeting on Mondays and would meet ‘Fireman’ Tony, ‘Cockney’ Mick, ‘Jewish’ Terry, ‘Architect’ Andy, and ‘Filofax’ Peter – it was packed. It was there the first time I found my courage to share, I quivered and cried. I was hard on myself and thought I won’t share again; but I heard “Oh yes you will”, and did – this inner voice got stronger. I went to Tuesday Leytonstone where I met ‘Irish’ Brendan. On Wednesdays Loughton, where I met ‘Jewish’ Mike. Thursday it was Chingford (New Road) where I met ‘Gardner’ Bob; a special man in my sobriety who became a close family friend. I got to know people and got involved. I took on tea service at South Woodford on Saturday nights; Gardener’ Bob was secretary. I met ‘Farmer’ Dave at South Woodford who was another prominent part of my early sobriety; a very wise man. My fear began to lift after several more months of going to meetings; I started to sleep with the lights off!
I got myself a sponsor once I plucked up the courage to ask – he is still my sponsor today. I went through the programme thoroughly in my first year and held back nothing. I had a lot of family issues when I stopped drinking. I wanted to bring my dad into AA as he was my drinking partner and we worked together for many Years, I loved him very much, but it wasn’t to be. Unfortunately, I watched drink kill him over the following 13 Years and learnt new levels of powerlessness.
On reaching a year’s sobriety I started a building business, and with the help of a good member it took off. I started treating people at work badly, stopped working the programme and was behaving badly in meetings, being aggressive and cocky, and throwing tantrums. I was secretary at the Saturday night Beulah Road meeting and was asked to step down due to my behaviour. I had done the steps but had stopped working them, the glitter took over, I lost myself and my ego grew out of control! I had a breakdown at two and a half years sober but no desire to drink. I wound up the company which cost me all I had. I couldn’t work for 6 months. I was at the jumping off place again with nothing else to do but surrender, and that I did. Ironically, despite being only 9, I remembered my mum used to say to my dad prior to her passing, “to thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” Clearly that was a message for us both and how this rung in my head during this period.
I threw myself into the programme again, only now with more vigour, I started doing the sort of service that demands no return. I found new relief in realising I only needed to surrender, trust in God and do my best. I took up meditation in practice of Step 11. Life improved immediately, I found a new clarity, the change was extreme at first. My wife came home to find me with my head shaved, in the lotus position, chanting; a week or so before I had put my head through the bedroom door in a rage – I can’t begin to imagine what she thought! I received a degree of clarity that was not my own. I had tapped into my inner self, and that inner voice had been fleeting became common – everything started to click in place almost immediately.
I was practically illiterate due to having left school at 14 years old and started to study with new focus received from the meditation and programme. After several Years study I graduated with a degree and became a Chartered Surveyor. This was not my doing – all I did was surrender and the programme to the best of my ability. I began to see that acceptance, patience, minding my own business and turning my will over to a God were key to my sobriety. I got into service at Group, Intergroup, Region, and Conference over several years, during which time I was London Regional Treasurer for three years and a conference delegate. This service taught me how to relate to other people, to have patience, to agree to differ, to understand that others’ values sometimes differ to mine, and are not necessarily wrong. All that has happened to me has made me who I am today. My losses taught me to stand on my own two feet, the drink carried me through when I wasn’t strong enough to be honest, thank God for my breakdown and the clearness it brought, and for my education which removed much ignorance. None of it was easy – simple yes, but not easy.
I have seen several changes in A.A over the Years. I can remember clapping for the tea maker starting when ‘Gardener’ Bob took up the teas at the Saturday night, about 15 Years ago, it went around East London like wildfire. I refused to clap for over 10 years after which I realised if I don’t embrace simple changes that make little difference, it may be my path out of A.A; I have unfortunately seen old timers stop coming for less. There are many dual addictive members which generated a lot of fear in me due to my insecurities. I realised, not too long ago, that there are now very few young people arriving that are ‘just’ alcoholics, and, whether I like it or not, they may need to address their ‘other problems’. I realised that had I been stopped sharing matters relating to anger, rage, grief, sadness, and family problems etc I probably wouldn’t be here now.
My illness never comes in the shape of a pint glass, it’s normally via a back door and very subtle – cunning, baffling and powerful. I don’t kid myself that I am immune in any way. I keep my feet on the ground and go to meetings to keep the lights on. I have an abundance of friends in the fellowship I walk the road with. I enjoy my work, keeping fit (ish), conventions, meals out, and meetings. Fellowship continues to be fundamental to my sobriety; not just reading literature and meetings. I love people in and out of A.A; but not without limit. Putting it in perspective, I recently thought in a meeting, if there was a fire in the room, I probably wouldn’t be the last one out!
I was passed the Big Book and told that there was a newcomer in the room, which created a dilemma. I thought stressfully, I wonder what the newcomer needs to hear; I then came to a realisation that I don’t know, and that some matters are better left to the Higher Power – I picked a passage relevant to me and shared my own experience, strength, and hope – another weight of responsibility left me.
I will finish on this….at 12 Years sober we had a lovely daughter who has grown up in a stable home (most of the time!) and is now 16; this brought further responsibility and growth. She has just achieved fantastic GCSE results and is doing her A levels at Grammer school – we are very proud of her. I believe her life would have been very different if it wasn’t for A.A. My last drink was on the 19th of February 1996, ironically my mum’s anniversary. I feel truly blessed being a member of AA. I believe that as long as I continue to serve and stay true to myself, I’ll continue to receive the spiritual power required to maintain sobriety.
East London Archives of Alcoholics Anonymous. 