I’m Alison and I’m an alcoholic, I found out I have a nickname, ‘Spiky’ Alison, because of my hair, not my personality. On 30th June 2024, I will have 33 years of continuous sobriety. I came to A.A. with no hope. I came in after two years of trying on my own and I spent two years constantly failing. That failure led me to a point of pinhead hope. I certainly didn’t think A.A. could do anything for me; the truth is, I had never failed at anything I wanted.
When I knew I had a little bit of a problem, that my drinking had changed, as I was a social drinker for years, then crossed over. I knew I crossed over because a day came, I don’t remember the exact date, when I felt I needed a drink, I thought by God, Alison, you’re turning in to one of them bloody alcoholics, when have you ever needed a drink? I had a little boy at this time, I wasn’t with his father. I believed he had a God-given right to have a certain lifestyle, and I knew he wouldn’t get it if I carried on the way I was. So, I knew about A.A. My sister had to attend meetings; my older sister took her to A.A. I took her to N.A. I knew you were a nice bunch of people; They made my sister welcome even though she mouthed off a little. Sadly, she died of this illness in December 2020. She never got it.
I didn’t need you lot, because I never failed at anything. This is where my two-year journey started; I thought, I haven’t got to put alcohol in my mouth for five days, I’m not like you people who have to stop forever. The truth is I could only get to two days, I never got the five. I called A.A. on a bank holiday Monday, and my last drink wasn’t horrendous. I was meant to go to a Christening. I bought a bottle, drank a good amount and fell asleep. I woke up in time but couldn’t be bothered to go, for me that was another rung down the ladder as my word was my bond, like John Wayne.
I had no faith in A.A.: I mean if Alison couldn’t stay off the drink what chance has this place got, yet I called the helpline, this obnoxious woman answered. I said, I don’t know whether I’m an alcoholic, and she replied most people don’t phone because they’ve drunk too much R Whites lemonade. I thought, I don’t like her, I don’t. She said she could send literature, I said No, No I don’t want Mr Postie seeing A.A. literature. She said they wouldn’t, it would be in a brown envelope with nothing on it, then asked if I wanted someone to take me to a meeting? Oh, I thought, bloody hell, she thinks I’m a bag lady, so I put her right, I said no, I’m a homeowner and a car owner, she said bully for you. I thought I’ve had it with her. I asked for her name so I could report her she wasn’t going to bring people in with that attitude. I have worked in reception in the top places and believe me this wouldn’t be tolerated. Thank God, she didn’t listen to me. She gave me her full name and said there’s a meeting in Barking. I said, no I can’t go there, someone I know will see me. She said they’ll be there for the same reason. Cheek!
A lady called May phoned. May was a glamorous woman, who sadly died of motor neurone disease. I was two days without a drink, the longest I’d done. May said, would I like to go to a meeting? I had my son, I would have gone on the Friday when his father collects him as I didn’t have a babysitter, but I knew I was near picking up, so said Yes. I asked a friend to look after my son, and they asked where I was going, I said to an A.A. meeting, they thought I was taking someone else. May met me at Newham General Hospital. They gave me a where to find and felt embarrassed as I couldn’t stop crying. I’m not into public crying. When members said they had not had a drink for a certain amount of time, I believed them, BUT, I thought, you lot were lucky, I wasn’t, I tried to stop for two years and couldn’t. ‘Plaistow’ Bill came over to me, he was 27 years sober at the time, and he said ‘Don’t think about whether this is going to work for you, if you can keep putting a bum on one of those seats regularly you will get this in-spite of yourself. I thought, if only that could be true. BUT I took a pinhead of hope and thought this is the only way I was going to get it, in spite of myself. They gave me a 24-hour chip and that chip didn’t leave my hand until I got to one month.
The Oldtimers told me the obsession would come back, but I felt good. I hadn’t drunk for three weeks, and then the obsession hit me. I’ve always hated my stubbornness, but this time it came to my rescue. I said, No! No! I got 21 days, I’m not going back to day one, it saved me. I do feel the defects of character have a good side and a bad side when it’s amped for proportion. When the proportion isn’t right, yet, that defect saved me.
I would be asked to do chairs, I’d say it’s not a service I do, I do others, not chairs. I ended up being treasurer for Barking Tuesday for ten years and then Barking Friday for twenty. No one would come forward to take it. I had to work hard to get two people to take over, I wanted it taken over because I had cancer for the third time and didn’t want my son to have to meet someone to hand the books and money over, I wanted it to go to two people that could do it. Because it’s their money, it has to be managed well.
‘Jewish’ Joe, a lovely man would help me with the washing up at the Hainault meeting. He used to say, Alison, you thought any more about taking on secretary. You would swear I was being asked to take on being the Prime Minister. I always put obstacles in the way. He had so much patience and responded with solutions. I was secretary for the year and couldn’t wait for it to finish, it has never been my thing, we find our roles in the meetings.
When I arrived, few women had been through the steps. Finally, after a couple of years one woman said yes, she took me through in no more than 10 minutes. I sat for the next 25 years hearing others’ experiences. All I could think was, that no one seemed to have done it like I did. I hit a wall at 25 years sober so I thought I’ll go through the steps. I found a woman who had a sponsor and all that; She wouldn’t give me direction and sometimes I’d spend a whole week trying to find my part, I would ask her and she would say, no, it’s not for me to say. I feel you must have that skill to help point this out, especially if they are struggling. I haven’t sponsored anyone, because I can only give them what I have, I have been asked and say no and tell them why. I take women newcomers’ numbers, call them and offer support. A.A. can seem like a foreign language so I talk to them, text them, ask how they are managing, if they have the obsession, then just hang on in there.
There was a lovely man, who used to sing, he had a lovely voice…Micky O, He used to say, Alison, the steps are to get God, clean house, and help others. He had so much love, you could feel it from him, such a wonderful man. He sadly died a few years ago. I had a lovely friend ‘Little’ Sue who came in three years before me. I would call her in the beginning and say this wasn’t right and all that, and she’d listen for 5 minutes and say Ok, Alison, I have listened to you whining, so, what’s the solution? She was right, she heard me whine for 5 minutes, but what is the solution, how can you get over this? Eventually, I did find a solution.
When I was diagnosed with cancer for the third time, I was asked to go to a seminar with some other people. We were given blank pieces of paper and asked to write how we handle cancer. I didn’t know what to write, and they came to me first, I said there are worse things to die of and I listed three. I have been on chemo for two years; In January 2024 it wasn’t operable because the cancer was stuck on the chest wall and wasn’t possible. It detached, so I had my first op on 17th January, then on the 6th of March 2024 another op. I go up there on my own, I don’t ask anyone to come, because I think, my god I have to be there, why would I inflict it on others? I have had offers; I’m bored up there and I don’t want to subject another to this. The thing is, I’m one of six, if the catholic church had contraception my mother wouldn’t have had any children. We were brought up to get on with it, I never saw a plaster until I bought one when I was 16.
Alcoholism is like a lift, some of us are more blessed as we get off at a higher floor. I’m under no illusion of being in the same lift as the street drunks, I just managed to get out before they did. A member who stayed longer in that lift said to me, when you go further down, you don’t give yourself a hard time because, by then acceptance has come, and everything has gone. He said the reason you give yourself a hard time is because you haven’t lost everything and know you shouldn’t be living that way. He was one of these members that lived on the streets. Only this morning, I heard someone had picked up a drink and…I was very emotional, it was horrible. Being a recovering alcoholic is nothing to be ashamed of, the shame comes in the practice of being one.
For me, this program is inspired by God. God is in these rooms, as it reads where one or two are gathered in my name, so will I be. I have met some wonderful people. A feeling that I’m not alone, with a supportive fellowship of people who care about me and them. I had this little boy and knew he wouldn’t be looked after if I didn’t get a handle on this. If I hadn’t had my son, I wouldn’t have been here. I was able to bring up my son without alcohol in his or my life, he was three years old when I came in. In 2012 my son came round for dinner, we were sitting in the front room, and he said, I wouldn’t have what I have, I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for you….and there’s no money in the world that can buy that. I haven’t had a drink since my first meeting and kept putting my bum on the seat. A.A. has given me self-respect.
We did this in 2024 in the Barking Methodist church
East London Archives of Alcoholics Anonymous. 