My sobriety date is 1st January 1986. I always knew about AA. I’ve no idea why, but I knew there was an A.A. and it wasn’t for me, because total abstinence just was not possible. My grandmother told me about alcoholism. She said that for an alcoholic, one drink is too many and a thousand isn’t enough, so somewhere down the line I believe she had exposure to Alcoholics Anonymous. My Grandfather was an alcoholic and it was family legend that one time he managed to stop drinking and stay stopped for ten years…then apparently, he took a drink at a wedding and that was the end of his sobriety.
I began drinking at 13 years old and by 16 was in serious trouble at 15 I moved to England from Ireland, and landed in the Big City on my own and insane. I discovered drugs, a solution for a while as I didn’t have to live in reality but I also was not falling down drunk. However, my addiction grew and I found myself in serious trouble so eventually I detoxed myself with…. pints of Guinness. I was very thin; amphetamines were my drugs of choice. Guinness calmed me down, taking the edge off detoxing; it would build me up because Guinness is good for you, right? I was no fool. I since found out that all I had done was swap one drug for another. Alcohol is a drug.
I moved to Cornwall, where my daughter was born, but came back to London and ended up homeless. We had to sleep in my car and other people’s homes. We got into a hostel and by this time I was struggling to hold it together. Living in a hostel with a young baby and trying to keep some sort of handle on my drink habit was not easy. My sense of shame was overwhelming sometimes. We eventually got a flat in the East End. I didn’t know east London, I liked to think we were West London people, so I was less than grateful! Nevertheless, we took it. The DHSS gave me a grant; I bought a bed for my three-year-old daughter and that was it. I drank the rest and slept on the floor. Then commenced the very worst stage of my disease. DTs were shocking and terrifying, seeing and hearing things, I had seizures as well. My body was breaking down and nothing was working properly, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I wasn’t going to make it, that I wouldn’t make 40.
My daughter had no one, just me. She was what brought me to AA. Every time I looked at her, I felt overwhelmed with sadness for her. I went to mass at St Anne’s Church in Limehouse one Sunday although I had abandoned religion many years before. Kneeling in the church while my daughter was in the buggy. I said that prayer “Lord I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, only say the word and I shall be healed” I remember saying it with every fibre of my being. Not long after, I called A.A. from a phone box, despite that being such a monumental task as I was shivering and shaking. A woman answered, she was abrupt “Have you ever been to a meeting?” she said, I said yes, and she snapped “Well you know what to do then” and she put the phone down. She didn’t give me the chance to explain that the last time had been a few years before in another area and I had no clue where the local meetings were in the East End. That woman taught me a lot…like how not to deal with a desperate Alcoholic seeking help!!
Eventually I rang back, and a lovely gentle young man patiently went through the list until he found a meeting that I could get to. That was in November 1985, and the guy told me there was a meeting at Newham General Hospital, I knew where this was. I wasn’t in a great space and thought I’ll get a drink from the off licence after the meeting. Despite not really connecting with the meeting I drove by the off licence after the meeting but I didn’t get a drink…..this impressed me. I began attending meetings. At 6-8 weeks sober I got physically well, but was pretty insane. I was told Easy Does It, so of course I immediately began to sort out my whole life like some crazy person. I was going to meetings but not really speaking to people or even taking any notice of the program. It was as if just being in the meetings was working like magic to keep me sober.
Needless to say, inevitably I got drunk again. After a horrendous bender all over the Christmas break, I crawled back to AA. That last bender was my “convincer” and I had been finally humbled enough to ask for help. I volunteered to make the tea at my local meeting. I began to speak to one or two people and eventually got a Sponsor. My sponsor was a woman and a single parent, like me. We had much in common and I will say also that she was such a funny woman that she made me laugh for the first time in years. She was also down to earth in so many ways and would only share her experience, and if something was not within her experience she would say so. She made no attempt to order me about and would wait for me to share my problems if and when I was ready.
She was wise enough to know that an alcoholic of my type could not be ordered about!! She allowed me the time and space to realise that I needed the Steps if I was to stay sober. She told me to work on my gratitude because she believed that a grateful alcoholic will never drink again. Today I also believe that.
And so, one day at a time, my journey began. Today, 38 years later, I can tell you that despite many hiccups along the way I have had a life beyond my wildest dreams. I have been able to face the usual problems that life throws at us all without taking a drink or a drug. I have made many friends and have had many great experiences. My daughter was four years old when I got sober. She grew up in AA and today she is a wonderful wife and mother to my two grandsons who have been the joy of my life….a life I owe to Alcoholics Anonymous.
I am so grateful that I keep coming back.
East London Archives of Alcoholics Anonymous. 