East London Archives of Alcoholics Anonymous.

In 1997, my brother took me to my first A.A. meeting because my husband and sons were getting fed up with me. My husband called my brother, who lived in Surrey, and I lived in East Ham. My brother drove up one Sunday morning and took me to a meeting in Reading. I have no idea how my family knew of A.A., as I had never heard of them; I had never seen The Bill, Hill Street Blues, or Cagney and Lacey. I was a Samaritan volunteer for years. I recently found out they don’t or can’t give out the AA number to drunks. I do wonder what I said to people who phoned up with drinking issues.

The meeting in Reading was great. I laughed, my brother laughed. He said we would be back, and he’s not an alcoholic. What I got from that meeting was hope, but I didn’t go back. In 1998, I ended up in two mental hospitals for psychosis. They let me out after 5 weeks, as they decided I’d be alright and drinking wasn’t the problem. The experience was horrible. They never had a drunk tank, so alcohol was not spoken of. After a week out, I was back in, and then someone said maybe it was the drink.

I was taken to a 12-step rehab, but they wouldn’t have me because I was too psychotic. They told me to come back in a week and that they might give me a room. My husband stayed at his mum’s with the boys. I was locked in my house for a week, going cold turkey. In April 1998, I went to rehab, and that was the first time I heard of the steps. They took you up to step five, but didn’t take any notice. I had a counsellor who wouldn’t get me off step one. I didn’t realise I was in there for alcohol. I blame it on my life and the consequences, and wouldn’t put the two together. They encouraged us to go to A.A meetings, the members were kind and put up with us, thinking we knew everything. Thinking back to those moments, I get a shiver. Seeing people like that in AA meetings today brings me back to how I used to be. 

Finishing rehab, they told me that I hadn’t changed, that I wasn’t listening, all I wanted to do was go back to my life. I didn’t understand or get the malady they spoke about, so I drank again. Wanting everyone to forget what I was like, you know, as I’m out of those mental hospitals now. The second stage was in Highbury and Islington, run by the ARP, and while there, I hadn’t drunk for four months; I had an operation and had control of the morphine. While in St George’s hospital, I crept out and went down the Cut, got a newspaper and a bottle of vodka, and went back to my hospital bed. The doctor even commented on how well I was doing. After the operation, I went back to rehab. They eventually kicked me out. It was awful, I went to Waterloo station and lovely young clubbers looked after me. I wasn’t eating and looked like a skeleton, then a lady from MIND found me and took me to Stratford. They helped me get into a hostel, moving to different ones for 18 months, all the while drinking on and off.

I kept going to A.A. during this time, going to Toynbee Hall on Wednesdays, and Maxine was there. She was one of the few people who would speak to me; she would pop in when she was back from Ireland. After a suicide attempt, I was in the Newham General, the hospital had a meeting there, and I went with a hospital drip, thinking I must have had “F Off” on my forehead. I’d go to Barking meetings, and while in the hostel and around that time, I saw my boys and wouldn’t go to meetings if I saw them, so in the end, I’d drink. I realised I had to give everything to this stuff and absorb it. I’m a slow learner and put everything else first, and not AA.

On Wednesday evenings, I started going to Durning Hall. Everyone there is still sober: Irish Denis, Howard, Anette (who lives in Australia), Tony the builder, and Patrick. I was the only woman there a lot of the time. At seven months sober while doing the tea, I told them, “I’ll do the tea, but I ain’t making anyone coffee”, and I drank not long after. That time, I don’t remember buying it, but I remember empty vodka bottles everywhere. I didn’t sleep; it was horrible. Willie and Tracy locked me in their bedroom when withdrawing. They would do so much for me. I came back to Durning Hall the next week, and Tony asked who the new tea maker was. I had changed in that short space of time. John ‘the plasterer’ and Chantelle would take me to meetings, and one evening, they took me to see Bridget Jones’ Diary. They seemed to enjoy the film, but I had no idea what was happening. They took me home and stayed with me until 11 pm. I ended up getting another 24-hour chip, and the chip I got on April 13th 2000, is framed as that’s the last drink I’ve had up to today.

My boys were still not talking to me, and that is something you have to go through. I put it all into recovery. We ended up making a Wednesday night meeting a step meeting. John the Plasterer told me I was to be a secretary. It went well and was getting packed. Me, Walthamstow Sharon, and ‘Trombone’ Annie started a women’s meeting on Monday in Durning Hall. After a while, it moved to Bethnal Green. I don’t know why it closed not long after. In 2007, John, Barking Brian, Malcom, School Teacher Mark, and I set up a meeting on Thursday Night called Pathway to Freedom at Anchor House in Canning Town. Mark knew someone there to aid us; AA has a lovely relationship with Anchor House, I think there are 4 or 5 meetings in there now, and the Thursday meeting is still going strong.

Annette became my sponsor; her sponsor was Hilda, who moved to the States. I’d see her in Harrow. I think it was my time, and God may have had a plan for it. God was difficult, I hate to say, but I was raised Catholic and felt God was punishing. Every time the word was mentioned, I’d look over my shoulder and shake. During one of my suicide attempts at the Barking hostel, I made a phone call and didn’t know who to, but Charlotte came and got me. It was Sunday, 7 pm, and she took me to the hospital. This lady, Frances, took over from her. Frances said, “Zita, you need to get a higher power in your life, you can’t keep doing this”. I said, “Yeah, I know”. She said, “Do you believe I have a higher power?” I said, “Yes, I do,” and she said, “Borrow mine.” I asked her what she did, and she said, “It is big enough for both of us”. That helped so much. Step three, I love it as it wasn’t up to me anymore, and I don’t need to worry. It gave me faith in myself. Step four was simple. I have no idea why people agonise over it. It’s simple, and we spoke about defects, and it’s nothing to beat yourself up with. Ruth, whom I spoke to a lot when Annette moved away, used to say, ” Beat yourself up with a feather. When I first got cancer, I started talking to Ruth a lot more, and this fellowship got me through the last two Cancers.

I continue with service; I’ve been at the Trafalgar meeting for a long time. I do 12-step calls, taking ladies through the programme. I was full of fear originally when asked to go through this with someone. It isn’t chit-chat, and I let them know they need to do this and not mess about with it. I love telephone service, and I’ve been doing it for years. One Sunday morning, we were getting calls from Manchester. A father called us; he was really pleasant. He wanted to tell AA how grateful the family were for the help A.A. gave his son, who was five years sober. He told me his son sadly had other issues and had died. He called up to say thank you to us, and this still sends shivers down my spine. I remember at the East Ham meeting, a guy turned up to thank the meeting for the help they gave his daughter, who sadly died of alcoholism. I have to catch my breath at times at the love this programme and the fellowship can give an alcoholic and their family. 

My life has changed; my sons are back in my life. I have retired and have many friends in this fellowship who are there for me and me for them. One of my sons has found sobriety and has rejuvenated my recovery. We attend conventions and have fun sober nights out. I recently acquired a new sponsor, which is wonderful. All this recovery has come to me slowly and has given me so much more than I knew.

We did this before the Thursday evening meeting at Forest Gate on October 2019